Wake up call

We have lost a dear cousin & friend this week. It was sudden, it was shocking. It’s turned  my world on its head. All the things I thought were important suddenly seem so trivial.

I’ve made a promise to myself that whenever H wants a cuddle I will stop, or drop whatever I am doing and I will cuddle her, for a long time. Till she has to prize herself off me. I will not care if her nose is a tad dirty, I will sniff her hair and will marvel at her changing features (storing every change in my head) .

The recycling and rubbish is still sitting in my kitchen, I will not nag DH. Next week will be here soon enough and I will gently remind him to put rubbish out. I forgot to change our bedding this week, but I made it early to H’s fav session at the library for the 1st time in a long time. She was so happy she could pick where to sit without crashing into 3 toddlers.

Read 3 stories to H without skipping a page and she went to bed without complaining or crying. I had a bath with the dusty, luxurious bubbles that DH bought me last Christmas. It lives on the shelf next to the one he bought me two years before. I’m going to use it again every night this month. I might even use my very expensive skin serum afterwards. What am I saving it for?

I must learn from this tragic loss. I must keep seeing the hole it has left, and use it as a reminder of what is important.  All I can do is honour him by looking after myself and my family a little bit better.

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18 Months Today

The parenting book say “At this stage, children try out new things and explore the world around them more actively. They will often choose their own activities and may not always like being told what to do”. I am in love with 18 months.


H (18 months) & her friends:)

I want to freeze time right here and keep you this way. At least for a little while. You can do a lot of things independently, you can follow directions, and you are a pretty happy little girl, with a smile to die for. Every day is an adventure, you are turning into quite the little explorer. You are getting stronger and every day you are becoming more able to communicate your wishes with words. We have started having real conversations. You have been perfecting a number of skills

  • feeding yourself,
  • drinking from my cup,
  • dancing in rhythm ( you are better co-ordinated than your dad and I)
  • being able to identify different things i.e. body parts, family and places
  • Love rolling around in our new king size bed
  • Enjoying your settling days at the nursery and loving spending time with Nana Phyllis ( mummy’s going back to work in a weekL )
  • Blowing lovely kisses at me and started to reply, “Love you!” when I tell you I love you. Each time, my heart skips a beat.
  • I get giddy when I see your wheels begin to turn as you learn something new. And you are always so eager to learn new things, so long as it’s not me trying to force you to learn them.
  • You do things in your own way and in your own time, and I am learning to be okay with this.
  • But most of all, your amazing personality shines, you kindness and generosity of spirit. So our everyday interactions are undergoing huge changes.
  • Walks or runs everywhere. She can even walk up stairs if I’m holding one hand and she’s holding the railing.
  • Finally has enough hair to put up, I think we’ll have real pigtails before you are 2.

Eighteen month stats:

  • Height: 79 cm (33 inches) 50% of growth percentile. Weight: 10.6kgs, 50% of growth percentile. I think this is the highest weight percentile since you were born. Head Circumference: 48cm or 18.9″

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Why I can’t suffer in silence: Save Ealing A&E

In real life, I’m a pretty vocal person. I don’t hide behind my blog or my social networking sites. I say it like it is. I’m known for a rant and a moan.

The plans to close down A&E is reckless. If they go ahead, 700,000 people who live in Ealing, Brent and Hammersmith boroughs would be without local A&E. Makes me want to scream, I can’t suffer in silence.

Many GPs and hospital consultants are against the proposals and the independent review by Dr Tim Rideout found significant flaws in both the clinical and business cases. However, in preparation for the announcement, I am helping to fight for a campaign. We must stand together united against it: Click here, to read and help us save our hospital.

Links to national press coverage

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Gran you never met..:(

Since the day I found out I was carrying you I have been on cloud nine. Then came the 18th of September (2004), I was 4 weeks pregnant and you were just a tiny peanut. The one thing that makes me sad is that you will never get to meet my mum (your gran has been gone 5yrs today). I will never get the chance to say ‘I am dropping off my daughter at her Gran’s’ or ‘my daughter and her gran are off to visit my family’.

Life sends problems your way sometimes, but it’s how you deal with them that counts, and that’s what defines you. While I may be sad now, on  this day 5 yrs ago I was heart-broken. Whoever said time was a great healer? They lied. Nothing prepared me for her loss, even knowing she might die — she had been ill. I read somewhere during the dark days that “A mother, after all, is your entry into the world” thus waking up without her is like waking up in a world without light – this is my reality. I still weep in my dream, my mother is died. What I know for sure is My mother is dead, and I would like her back.’

I also read ( I read a lot, trying to make sense of my loss) somewhere that “a mother is a story with no beginning; that is what defines her”. What are you to do when the story ends in your twenties??? 😦

Well peanut, you saved and half mended my heart. You give me the strength to always overcome any difficult times and that’s just down to the fact that you’re here, brightening up my life.

Today it’s been 7 yrs, we gave our donation in her name. You were amazing, only 17 months but you seem to sense mummy is sad. Am amazed at your instincts and empathy, am thankful you are here. I never want to let you down. I look at you and feel an immense sense of warmth, like a glow inside me, and that leads me to the conclusion that whatever life slings at me I’ll be able to deal with it. Because I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you.

I still think about my mother every day ( worse on mothering day), on most days the grief is lighter, less oppressive. She crosses my mind like a beautiful bird flying past the edge of my eye: startling, luminous, lovely, gone.

To mumsy S, I miss you every day:(

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Places H and I like in London

I’m a mum of 1 – 16 month 2 yr old and this are a list of places we’ve fallen in love with over the last 16  25 months. My list will grow over the next few year as we visit more place.

  1. Walpole Park
  2. Lammas Park 
  3.  Brent Lodge Park Animal Centre is a hidden treasure of exotic birds, monkeys and marmosets.
  4. South Bank I tested all my baby carriers on days out to the South Bank.
  5. Story time and sing a long at the library
  6. Climbers and Creepers Daily 10.30am – 5.00pm Kew Gardens
  7. The little Art room
  8. Parents & Babies Cinema Screenings at the Watermans Art Centre
  9. Ceramics Café
  10. Snakes and Ladders Indoor Adventure Playground at Syon Park.
  11. The Lido cafe by the Diana memorial fountain in Hyde Park – best brunch of kids
  12. A little secret place is the Ecology Centre in Holland Park.
  13. On sunny days the Children’s water play area in Dukes Meadows http://www.dukesmeadowstrust.org/newplayarea.html

Finally I can’t live without my What’s on guide

If you have any questions or comments then please get in touch with me!

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Happy 1st Birthday Baby

Today, our beautiful little daughter Hanna turns one!

Hanna's 1st BP01

Being a parent is one of the greatest privileges in the world. It’s a big day in my household hard to imagine that 12 months ago, right about this time I was sitting in a hospital room looking at my newly born daughter just imagining how much my life was about to change. The funny thing is, it has been nothing like I imagined it, it’s been much better and a little tougher. I have found parenting to be the toughest, most selfless job on the planet and it has also been a tremendous influence on what kind of person I have become.

Today is a milestone in my life as much as my daughter’s. I don’t really know how to express how I feel today, proud, relieved, optimistic, are a few words that come to mind. Regardless of what happens I will do my best and hopefully that will be enough to see her into adulthood.

I can’t believe it’s been a year already:)